This blog is from the heart, informed by having been married to a closeted gay man and understanding how that experience changed the trajectory of my life, both as a woman and as a psychotherapist. Please add to the conversation and "Follow" if you're so inclined; all voices are welcome!

Monday, January 23, 2017

Why do people have a problem with closeted gays?

"Why do people have a problem with closeted gays if they are perfectly happy with that choice?" 
Question from "RightWinged-LGBT-Man" in TrueAskReddit

My response
That anyone should have to live a closeted life because of their sexual orientation is a tragedy. Although society as a whole increasingly embraces diversity, one's sexuality too often remains up for others' discussion, rejection, and/or derision. There remain any number of pockets of rejection that keep folks hidden — religions, family beliefs, workplaces, etc. One only needs to look at things like Westboro Baptist "Church's" URL ( to know that each and every day, the LGBTQ community is acutely aware that someone, somewhere, hates them. Between 30 and 40% of LGBTQ adolescents attempt suicide, many by the age of 15.
So while we've come a long way, there is still much work to be done.
That said, let me mention the collateral damage done by gays who feel pressured to live a hetero life. They marry, usually hoping that the feelings will go away...and of course, it doesn't work like that. So you have millions of "straight spouses" like myself who marry without knowing their partner's true orientation, and in 5, 10, 25, 40 years realize that they were never truly loved, and that all those years without sex and intimacy were not, in fact, their fault. We straight spouses generally get lost in the conversation, and when talking in public forums like this about our half of this painful equation, are often on the receiving end of unkind comments and ridicule.
I am working in my own small way towards a world where everyone can live an authentic, fulfilling life, and part of that work is through creating understanding. No one should have to live in a closet; not one they choose out of fear...nor one they didn't choose at all.

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1 comment:

a concubine said...

I have no problems with closeted gays, as long as they opt to remain single. I have a problem with lying liars who lie. I didn't marry "for straight or for gay." I married "forsaking all others".

Stay in the closet. Your choice. Lying to those who love and trust completely is not okay on any level.