Laura to Kim: "Kim, this is Rob."
Kim' inner voice: ("He's GAY!")
Kim to Rob, extending hand: "Nice to meet you."
Why did I not listen to my Wise Mind, my knowing Self, my spot-on intuition? Standing before me -- a ridiculously tall (at least to my 5'2" mind), very handsome man, an attorney. Nice smile, salt & pepper hair styled just so, plaid Ralph Lauren shirt over a maroon sleeveless tee, just a wee bit snug. A blind date arranged by mutual friends.
And my gut says he's gay. Screams, really. That should have been the end of it.
It was, of course, not.
That moment, that simple introduction, that immediate and involuntary tamping down of the knowing voices would come to shape and define the rest of my adult life.
In my clinical work with other straight spouses, this aspect of my story seems less commonplace than other pieces. There are so many experiences, feelings, and thoughts that we all share, but similar instances of my electrical shock moment -- "he's gay!"-- aren't revealed very often at all. Vague suspicions or a niggling feeling that something's just not right are more the norm, and those often don't poke through the soil until after many years of marriage.
But we all wind up in the same place -- heartbroken and confused.
How did we get here? Shared denial? Naivete? Blind faith? Con? Only in retrospect can I see that my own marriage to a gay man was the blending together of many complicated ingredients, not the least of which were two large dollops of wishful thinking, one on each of our parts, that our marriage was what it seemed to be...and that he was not.
To schedule a face-to-face or FaceTime session with Kimberly Brooks Mazella, LPC, please go to my website at www.kimberlybrooksmazella.com.
Kim to Rob, extending hand: "Nice to meet you."
Why did I not listen to my Wise Mind, my knowing Self, my spot-on intuition? Standing before me -- a ridiculously tall (at least to my 5'2" mind), very handsome man, an attorney. Nice smile, salt & pepper hair styled just so, plaid Ralph Lauren shirt over a maroon sleeveless tee, just a wee bit snug. A blind date arranged by mutual friends.
And my gut says he's gay. Screams, really. That should have been the end of it.
It was, of course, not.
That moment, that simple introduction, that immediate and involuntary tamping down of the knowing voices would come to shape and define the rest of my adult life.
In my clinical work with other straight spouses, this aspect of my story seems less commonplace than other pieces. There are so many experiences, feelings, and thoughts that we all share, but similar instances of my electrical shock moment -- "he's gay!"-- aren't revealed very often at all. Vague suspicions or a niggling feeling that something's just not right are more the norm, and those often don't poke through the soil until after many years of marriage.
But we all wind up in the same place -- heartbroken and confused.
How did we get here? Shared denial? Naivete? Blind faith? Con? Only in retrospect can I see that my own marriage to a gay man was the blending together of many complicated ingredients, not the least of which were two large dollops of wishful thinking, one on each of our parts, that our marriage was what it seemed to be...and that he was not.
To schedule a face-to-face or FaceTime session with Kimberly Brooks Mazella, LPC, please go to my website at www.kimberlybrooksmazella.com.
To schedule a face-to-face or FaceTime session with Kimberly Brooks Mazella, LPC, please go to my website at www.kimberlybrooksmazella.com.
5 comments:
Well written....short and simple and QUITE precise!! Please keep your wonderful thoughts flowing. You have all my good wishes simply because you are the best and your sincerity towards this cause deserves it.
Many thanks, Karma. "Coming out" like this is a bit scary, but I know that my truth, like everyone's, deserves a voice. And my hope is that my voice on this issue will help others find their own.
I wonder now whether despite the tiny voice that I heard, I just longed for someone very kind and nurturing to take care of me. I was also tired of my mother bemoaning the fact that I wasn't married.
However, once married; I was truly happy and all doubts left me for many years:
At the risk of stereotyping, I have found that many gay men have those very qualities you describe -- kind, nurturing, and other attributes which make for a wonderful partner. People who haven't experienced marriages like ours often make assumptions about what it must have been like...but they don't know that oftentimes much love and friendship exist. In some ways, it was one of the happiest times of my life. You know...until it wasn't!
Thanks for posting, Anon.
I too feel that the 30 years that I was married to a gay man were for the most part very happy years. He was kind and gentle, helpful and fun. He was and is a wonderful father and friend. It was only during the last two years that he began to withdraw into his own world and seemed to grow remote.
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