This dinosaur recently discovered the joy that is satellite radio. All those years spent driving around without it...who knew the treasure trove of music and wisdom that awaited me?
Take, for example, Oprah's Lifeclass, Oprah's Soulclass, Oprah's anything. Oprah is my new addiction, my "Must Hear Radio." Every single episode contains some gem, some piece of wisdom that knocks on my brain and says, "Hello? Anyone in there? Because this one's for you." Between Oprah, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Ram Dass, Iyanla Vansant et al., I am veritable fountain of spiritual and emotional growth. Of course, my aging brain forgets 50% of it an hour later, but in the moment, I am e-volved.
I can't recall with certainty the title of the particular program that really got my attention, but it may have been something like "Gratitude...Really?" or "Transcendence for Dummies." It was all about living in a place of gratitude, being thankful for the gifts received as a result of whatever #!*%! experiences we've been through.
So, here goes:
Rob, thank you for giving me the experience of having married you, and having shared your journey of coming to terms with your homosexuality. Because of it, I have learned or gained the following:
1. I discovered a depth of compassion within myself that I didn't know was there, because I felt your deep pain and distress even as I was going through my own.
2. I am a wiser person and a better therapist for having experienced such a profound loss...and even more so for coming out on the other side relatively intact. (You only get credit for the first part; the second part was all me).
3. Your description of your attraction to men as being "as fundamental as hunger" helped me not only understand you, but lets me now share my understanding with others that homosexuality is not in any way, shape or form a "choice" -- it's a hard-wiring over which you had no control, no matter how much you wanted it to be different.
4. Because of my own battle with grief, depression and loss following the end of our marriage, I bring authenticity to my work, and am not afraid to share who I am with my clients, warts and all.
5. I gained a credible voice in the straight spouse struggle, and am in a unique position to be of assistance to both straight spouses and those coming out of the closet.
Would I want to go through it all again? No. But am I a better person for having had that experience? Absolutely. And so, in the end, I am grateful. Seriously.
So -- thank you, Rob.
(And thanks, Oprah!)
To schedule a face-to-face or FaceTime session with Kimberly Brooks Mazella, LPC, please go to my website at www.kimberlybrooksmazella.com.
To schedule a face-to-face or FaceTime session with Kimberly Brooks Mazella, LPC, please go to my website at www.kimberlybrooksmazella.com.
14 comments:
As always, scarily honest and a big source of inspiration for many like "yours truly" :) Please keep the thoughts flowing!!
Kim, you continue to inspire me. You have no idea how this has helped me. While I am not the spouse of a gay man, I am the daughter of a gay man and straight woman who made a choice to stay together for 40 years. My mother knew my father was gay for 39 of those years. I have known for 9 years. Many questions answered with the news and still more questions raised. Your discussions of your marriage and your personal evolution are a great help for me facing my family's truth. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Well said Kim. I could echo all your coments, especially those concerning "your personal evolution.
I am interested in the answer from the daughter of the gay man and straight woman as I wonder about the long term influence of gay/straight situation on my 3 children.
Thanks, Karma. The thoughts are always flowing; it's determining the greater interest/appropriateness of those thoughts that's the challenge! As always, I appreciate your feedback.
Thanks for your very kind message, KW. And welcome to my "coming out" club! Freeing, isn't it?! :)
And what an evolution it has been! I am truly thankful for the "growth opportunity" that was given to me.
I have reset the comment threads, so you can respond directly to the previous comment. I'm sure KW wouldn't mind responding to any questions you might have, at least from her own experience.
Read your blog and found it to be very honest, deeply human, inspiring and courageous.
Thank you, Steve. Quite the AFGE, no?
Sorry that this has taken me a bit to respond but while at first I thought I would have a quick answer, as I pondered whether there are long term effects of growing up with a gay father and hetero mom (and not knowing) it was not so simple.
First of all I don’t think I can isolate this particular life situation from all the others: being adopted, my father being bipolar to the extent that he spent considerable time in psychiatric hospitals; my mother’s depression throughout my childhood; my father being a minister. Each of these situations in and of themselves contributed to me being who I am.
I know that I had a feeling for most of my life that my parent’s relationship was not “the norm”, that I was there to complete the family picture. I always felt that my father questioned his sexuality but I based that on the fact that he had been physically, sexually and emotional abused as a child. My parents affections towards each other seemed contrived - not natural as other families I encountered.
But the turmoil for me really began when I was 47 and my mother coldly stated during a rather benign conversation “Well you knew your father was gay, didn’t you?” I can state that in that moment I have never felt more physical and emotional pain in my life. And in seconds the dominos began to fall correctly in place.
I wasn’t mad or upset that my father was gay (guess I really always “knew). What did anger me to the very core of my being was that I had been lied to by both of my parents for 47 years! Issues that I had to work through for years weren’t my issues at all. I was at a place in my life where I thought I had dealt with it all and come to a good place only to have it all taken down by the truth.
So my very best advice to any gay/straight couple - LIVE YOUR TRUTH. Children know when you are not being authentic. Discuss your family dynamic as soon as you both can and yes talk to them together, possibly and maybe probably with a knowledgeable therapist present or near. Be open with them about your struggles - they will love you all the more and they will be okay.
My parents did their best at a time when homosexuality was never discussed, feared like the plague and illegal. They made their decision early on to stay together (divorce was just as frowned upon) and they worked together as a great team in the church. While, after my father’s death, my mother has had the opportunity to live a more authentic life, my father never did. It is a daydream of mine that I am visiting my father and his partner and that I see my father in love, in happiness, his true and authentic self.
Maybe a little more of answer than you bargained for but I hope it helps.
"Issues that I had to work through for years weren't my issues at all." What a thoughtful, insightful and courageous post! Thank you, KW, for your willingness to be so open about your experience. I am deeply touched by your words.
As a straight spouse, I must tell you that I LOVE this blog, Kim. Grateful to all who recommended it on the SSN forum. Please keep writing. We need your voice.
Thank you for your support, Anon. Sometimes it's hard to know what will resonate or be meaningful to other people, so I especially appreciate your feedback!
At the beginning of my journey of knowing I was a straight spouse, I never would have thought I could be grateful for this devastating experience. Slowly, I'm starting to see where it might be a possibility. Not now, but one day.
Exactly. I know I've grown tremendously as a person...but surely there was an easier path! Maybe not; we'll never know. Thank you for sharing a piece of your journey.
Post a Comment