This memory, as with most memories that evoke strong emotion, is a visual, visceral snapshot. We are sitting on a bench along Lake Eola near his law office, watching swans glide across the water. I am wearing my pretty white Liz Claiborne dress. He is impeccably attired, as always, with the faint scent of Calvin Klein's "Obsession" cologne. We have been separated for maybe two months, three at most. He is once again indulging my endless need for contact and conversation, my latest attempt to relieve this incessant grief-ache that plagues me.
He is light years ahead of me on this road we're going down. He got the map way before I even knew we needed one. New home, new love, new life. He makes a joke, the last word of which is "underSTAN?".
Stan is his lover's name.
He is not an unkind person by nature, this soon-to-be-ex-husband of mine. Rather, he is a prisoner just set free from a 30-year sentence. The guards came, with their clanking keys and heavy footsteps, and opened his cell door forever. And he left that prison with hesitant, uncertain steps at first, a newborn squinting in the sunlight of liberation, then began trotting, finally breaking into a full-bore sprint towards happiness. He has traveled so far and with such speed that I can barely see him anymore. And he clearly cannot see me. Because this joke, this light-hearted emphasis of his lover's name, is profoundly unkind and breathtakingly insensitive.
But he has no idea of the pain just inflicted. He is free. He is finally able to live as he is. And he is happy. How that joke lands on me doesn't even register. He has found the heart salve that I am so desperately trying to extract from him.
And on the peaceful noonday waters of Lake Eola, the swans, mated for life, glide away.
To schedule a face-to-face or FaceTime session with Kimberly Brooks Mazella, LPC, please go to my website at www.kimberlybrooksmazella.com.
To schedule a face-to-face or FaceTime session with Kimberly Brooks Mazella, LPC, please go to my website at www.kimberlybrooksmazella.com.
12 comments:
Very heartfelt blog! Thanks for sharing!!
Thank you, Karma. As always, I appreciate your unflagging support and enthusiasm! :)
I'm sure he would never use that line with a woman's name, like underfran? Its truly amazing that they see this as less painful for the spouse than if they betrayed us with the opposite sex. Very eloquent blog.
Thank you. This insensitivity is a blind spot that I see or hear about over and over from my clients. Maybe it's because for our coming-out spouses it's not about being unfaithful (to us); it's about FINALLY being able to be faithful (to themselves).
The disconnect is that for the ones left behind (us), it feels exactly the same. Grief and rejection don't get prettied up by the circumstances.
Thanks Kim so painfully and elegantly written...
Thank you.
thank you Kim. Makes my heart ache.....
Mine too :)
That was really really beautiful....ad so true. I always said I had to catch up.
You know, I don't think most of our spouses mean to be so oblivious to our pain. They're just so happy to finally be out of the closet that it's hard to be in two opposite emotional spaces at once. But understanding that intellectually is cold comfort emotionally -- it still hurts when they go.
hi kim,it is kyle from opera,,i was wondering that some would see the victim here as the gay partner,and not the spouse.let me explain,first i can say that the victim is without doubt the spouse,and children if any.The gay partner would be seen by some to have been released from his covert sexuality,of which he has been a victim of his own making,so in that sense,some would see it as a victory for him.This is just the way some would think,but not me,to me he has become the partner of a woman to take away the thoughts of others as to his gay sexuality,he knew what he was doing,so i have nothing but disdain for such a person.just my thoughts,take care,
Thanks, Kyle. I very much appreciate your sensitivity on this subject.
Post a Comment